1.Mastiffs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog
2. Okay, the Mastiff can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the Mastiff can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the Mastiff is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
6. The Mastiff is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the Mastiff can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the Mastiff can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we’ll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture…upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The Mastiff never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the Mastiff can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the Mastiff can sleep alongside you, but he’s not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the Mastiff can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the Mastiff can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he’s got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the Mastiff can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he’s not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I’m now
sleeping. That’s just not fair.
15. The Mastiff never gets listed on the census questionnaire as “primary resident,” even if it’s true.